Christ was all anguish that I might be all joy.

Many of you probably know that I’ve recently been laid off my job with World Orphans. It came as a huge surprise, and was followed with a few weeks of overwhelm and tears. I knew God was sovereign, and though I didn’t see a reason for it then, I’m beginning to grasp more and more of His plan. The past month I’ve been in a constant state of being reassured by the Spirit: “ Elizabeth , beloved, trust ME… obey ME… sacrifice for ME”. The things He wanted me to step away from were exactly the things that made me happy and comfortable.

My job :: God placed me in this job with World Orphans, knowing full well what I was and wasn’t capable of. He showed me, through this job, what He was capable of doing through me… despite my fears and questions. I realized just what it meant to follow blindly and what the act of obedience can accomplish. God is sovereign and He is constantly proving that. The job with World Orphans was so intricately designed for me. It was everything I saw myself doing, and though I didn’t know how to do everything and felt overwhelmed at times – I had never felt so centered in His will. When Rod told me that we were being laid off, it crushed me. I didn’t understand why, and was actually doubting God… thinking He led me astray. I realize now, through various affirmations, that this was a faith venture. Following the layoff, I spent a lot of time in The Word for some sense of direction. I craved an answer that I knew would only come from the Voice [His Word]. The answer that kept staring me boldly in the face, as I perused the new testament, was “Child, get up. Have faith”. At the time, I’ll be honest, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted a clear cut “ Elizabeth , do this”, but God doesn’t concern Himself with making me comfortable… His main concern is making me holy.

So, weeks went by and I started becoming comfortable again… I had a sense of peace regarding my job situation, and an assurance that the safest place to be is in the center of His will. God said “wait, I’m not done. Now you must give up something that’s become a beautiful part of your life. Something you have put before me. Something that was starting to damage your heart and spirit”.

“Anything but that, God”

My community :: For the past year and a half, I limited my community to [really] one main person. A person that was so affirming and such a source of conviction, growth and encouragement. I was so content with my community; I felt like it was working. I felt like we had a good grasp on each other, and ultimately we were challenging each other and building each other up. What could possibly be wrong with that when we are both growing and challenging each other? God began telling me that I had different intentions than he did and I needed to put a stop to it before my heart was even more damaged. I realized, through convicting conversations with a few inspiring women in my life, that this friendship was too connected and intimate. God made it clear that I was to say goodbye. I spent months in deep prayer, pleading with God to not ask this of me... not understanding why He would do such a thing. My heart was so conflicted and I kept going back and forth on my decision for months. The Lord finally made it clear that this friendship was not healthy, although there were aspects that were. Ultimately we were both limiting ourselves from community outside of our elite bubble and not following God's mandate for community. I ended the friendship on July 5th. July 6th was an entire day devoted to my Kleenex box and [again] His Voice. Opened up the familiar new testament, once again, and was reminded of the tear stained, highlighted orange words of my recent conversation with God…

“Child, get up. Have faith”.

Everyone I’ve confided in recently has said similar things: “You’re so brave”, “You’re wise beyond your years”, “You are inspiring”. Though I appreciate those sentiments, I’m reminded of my sob filled prayers “God, I don’t understand why you’re doing this!” and my naïve “God, I’ve given up so much already? You’re really asking for something else?” and I catch myself… Did I really ask God that? How selfish of me to question why I must obey and sacrifice when He sacrificed His own life so that we may live? Selfish. We are called to “take up our cross and follow Him”, and I’m finding that, right now, that means giving up everything I love to continue in the process of sanctification.

The process isn't easy, by any means... I feel like I've started over in so many ways [community, job, etc] and satan has really been attacking my spirit into believing "Elizabeth, you have failed", and I have to stop myself from believing that I'm the reason things aren't going my way, and trust that the safest place to be is in the center of His will.

"She is love"

I love being around people. I love to be busy and have my calendar booked. On rare occasions, I’ll have a free hour, an empty car and a long drive [sometimes intentional]. Call me crazy, but some of my most humbling/convicting times with the Lord, often happen behind the wheel.

Someone recently made me a mix CD with the song “She is Love” by a band called Parachute. During one of those intentional drives, I was listening to this particular song. It made me think about how I should always be an instrument of His love, and it also made me question whether or not people see me as a person who loves [unconditionally]. I realize the truth “God is Love” has been instilled in us from an early age, but we are given the vocation to be His instruments of that love.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

If we want to discover if we’re related to God’s family… ask someone if they experience love from your life – love is the greatest clue.

Funny how God uses this song to communicate a vision. Mainly that-that should be my goal. To be known as a person who loves; despite who the person is, what they’ve done, what annoyances I have with them, etc. Basically the Lord resonated a question within me… “are you love?”. Do others experience love from my life, not snobbery, coldness or apathy?

"miss ayl-eeeeeees-a-bit"

My excuses for not doing ministry locally:

1) I’m not a good speaker, not eloquent… just downright awkward when I first meet people.
2) I’m too busy.

3) God, I’m already in ministry!

His subtle reply is usually something to the effect of “Elizabeth… where is your sense of urgency?”

For the past month or so, God has put a strong conviction in me to spend some time loving the poor in my own city [Dallas… home of the cowboys and big hair – a stereotype that I must admit, I fulfill]. I tend to talk myself out of things, and I’ve been “meaning” to get involved with a local homeless shelter, or refugee complex for sometime now. Then again, intention means nothing until we actually put that intention into play. I can talk about my good intentions and what I plan to do… but it isn’t what I plan to do that matters. It’s what I actually put into practice that makes a difference.

I found myself frustrated with my own procrastination… So, in an attempt to get plugged in somewhere [ANYWHERE!] I updated my facebook status posing a question to the community. Basically asking how do I start? I sift through the many comments and messages, and do a little research of the ministries people suggested. A sweet woman from my church mentioned a ministry a friend of hers started with Bhutanese refugees in Dallas. Basically they meet weekly to teach these refugees basic life skills, and talk with them, etc. “Perfect!” I said… and proceeded to email her friend. She invited me to come “observe next Tuesday”.

[SIDENOTE: this is me being transparent – I decided that I didn’t want anyone I knew to go with me. I gathered from previous experiences that I tend to step back and limit myself when there are people I know [who I seem to think are more capable of communication than I am] are present and are able to be more proactive in conversation. However, this is not enabling God to produce growth in and through me when I confine myself to my comfortable little corner].

I showed up at the apartment complex a little early… [I’ll be honest, I circled a few times, scoping out the place… my nerves got the best of me. Mainly because this was something totally out of my comfort zone – showing up to a place where I knew no one, only to make conversation with people who barely speak my language? “God, WHAT AM I DOING?! I am not an eloquent speaker, and I don’t know why I’m here!”

I exit the parking lot and drive around for a few minutes to pray and calm my anti-social nerves down. “What did I get myself into? God… you better do some major preparation in the next 15 minutes, because this is not something I can do!” I pull back into the complex parking lot, park, and notice there’s no one here yet [did I mention – when I’m nervous, I’m usually excruciatingly early to things?]. 15 minutes [I’m not dramatic, can’t you tell?]. So, I stand awkwardly by my green car until a beautiful group of Bhutanese children come riding on their bikes toward me, smiling and waving! A tiny Somalian girl walks shyly towards me and offers me her green yo-yo… I comment on how pretty her pink outfit is, and she takes my hand and just stands with me… glancing up and smiling every few minutes.

I smile to myself and think “Ahhh… I see how you work, Lord. This is more of my element”

The great thing about children is… well, they really don’t care. They just want someone to take the time to listen to their stories, and care about their day at school. You don’t have to worry about making conversation – because, usually, they make conversation for you… or they’re completely content just holding your hand or playing with your necklaces. Children are not intimidating.

I ended up spending time with the children instead of the adults [not what I planned, but I welcomed it]. There were some women there that would come and share bible stories with them – and it was amazing to me just how much they understood and grasped.

Lessons were learned, and His sovereignty was [again] illustrated. I freak out over the tiniest things that I have no control over… but His gracious spirit is all-knowing and has the ability to place me in the exact place I need to be. Despite my “wait, what, huh, God?” and inability to trust and have no fear.

As some were leaving, a little girl hugged me said “I will see you next week, Miss Ayl-eeeeeeeeees-a-bit” [which made me smile – the children of Nigeria in ’06 called me “Queen Ayl-eeeeeeeees-a-bit”].

I’m slowly learning how to celebrate the mystery of His will – despite my constant need for confirmation that only comes from Him. Sometimes He’ll lead you to a specific place, and you don’t [won’t] see the “why” until you’re in the center of His will [or sometimes, I’ve found it to be several years after… I’m still looking back on experiences and realizing just how connected things are.

“Remember, O Lord, what you have wrought in us and not what we deserve; and, as you have called us to your service, make us worthy of our calling; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.”

Good morning, conviction!

My blog entries have become so few and far between! Here’s an extensive one, and I hope it makes up for my absence!

This morning, friends [Thomas and Jonathan] invited me to attend a local church with them [one that we have visited a few times before], because there would be a man speaking from Uganda. This friend shares my love for all things Africa, and knows I would be interested to hear what he had to say. After our usual Starbucks run, we pull in to this church [this church meets in a local school gym here in Rockwall, and is actually a branch of Francis Chan’s church in California, called Cornerstone].

So we’re pretty excited about hearing this man from Uganda. We walk in and do the typical/cordial “hellos” to our acquaintances and sit in our usual spot [stage right, middle of the section… our comfortable spot]. We do what the majority of America does – try to avoid any real conversations with anyone, and only make conversation between our “group”. We stand when we’re told to stand, spend a little time in worship through song… all the while commenting on our mutual frustration due to the fact that they’re singing songs no one knows. Because we all know… you can’t fully worship our Creator unless you know every word of every song [please note the sarcasm]. We sit when we’re told to sit.

As I’m sitting, browsing the bulletin, I notice “special guest speaker, Francis Chan”

“Wait… what?” I had purchased his book [crazy love] earlier this spring, was able to read the first chapter of it before a friend borrowed it to read [due to my constant “ERIKA! You HAVE to read this when I’m done… it’s so good, so far!” [It’s okay, Erika, I forgive you]. :) But I haven’t had the change to finish it. First of all, his joy is apparent in everything he says. His sincerity and love for the poor is obvious. Basically, the entire morning was Chan speaking on behalf of the poor… challenging everyone to GO and DO… BE the hands and feet of Jesus with nothing holding us back. He mentioned his book. Not in the “go buy it” way, but that the book will earn over $1 Million in sales. What does he do? He [and his wife, of course] choose to sign over the entire profit of the book to go towards the poor and oppressed.

Then he illustrates just how much flack he received from that decision. The Church basically told him he was crazy, irresponsible for not keeping some for himself… in case of “emergency”. “EMERGENCY?” Chan questions… “What is an emergency???! Saving for retirement? Comfort? What about the poor and opressed? What about the injustices of sex trafficking? What about eradicating diseases? Is that not an emergency?”

My question – Are we too disconnected from all of this to stand up and be advocates, ourselves, for a greater cause? Maybe every Christian needs to see it for themselves to truly digest the injustices of the world and act on what God urges each one of us to do?

“Speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are left desolate and defenseless; Open your mouth, judge righteously, and administer justice for the poor and needy.” [Proverbs 31:8-9 paraphrased]

Afterwards, the three of us went to lunch and basically “debriefed” from all that we had been told this morning. Stuff we knew… but it never was presented in such a ‘what are you waiting for?’ kind of way. We all started questioning “WHAT AM I DOING??? Why am I here? Why am I not living in the midst of these precious children of God? What can I do HERE, of all places???” and actually started getting very depressed and seemingly apathetic towards everything we’re doing now. I don’t think that was the intent of Chan’s words… his challenge was not “you’re all terrible people for not doing a,b,c…” but rather, we need to obey the commands God has given to each of us individually. If God is telling you to take a trip to Africa, Asia, Russia – then that is your command. However, if God is telling you to stop purchasing clothes, if God is telling you to go next door and have a discussion with your neighbor, or go downtown and hang out with the homeless – that is not a lesser mission. Each one of us are called to be “missional”… depending on your gifts and abilities, God’s plan may be that you serve in a ministry locally… but it may be to serve internationally – and all we can do is be open and willing to go as He leads. He does not use the best looking, the most eloquent [thanks for that, God], the ones that have loads of money… God will use the willing. It’s our job to be that and accept, joyfully, His will for our lives. It’s also our job to be the voice.

My friend [Thomas] that invited me this morning has been to a certain country [Ghana] every Summer for 8 or 9 years in a row. This year, God made it clear to him that he wasn’t to return this time. That totally broke his heart, because that’s his favorite place in the entire world, and it enables him to be transformed by the Spirit each time he goes. He becomes more like Christ with each trip he takes… not because of anything he is doing, but because of what the Lord is doing through the people he is able to meet. Sometimes even the willing are told “not this time”, but we can rest assured knowing that His sovereign plan is faultless. Nothing is “by chance”, and God will use him wherever he is. My life quote is “the safest place to be is in the center of God’s will”, and that is just a constant reminder that I shouldn’t be worried or overwhelmed by anything… all happenings are part of a larger plan [sounds cliché, but it is true].

Obedience should not be based upon what other people are doing. Instead, we must WHOLEHEARTEDLY obey the commands God has given to each of us individually. Trust that He will reveal it to you… and in the meantime, check out local ministries you can get involved in.

Deliver me...

Litany of Humility
by Merry Cardinal del Val, secretary of state to Pope Saint Pius XO

Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

"I in them and you in me"

I was researching a little on our website [http://www.worldorphans.org/] and came across this. Reading through it, I was convicted and I physically ached for these precious ones.

Most children are under the age of fifteen and are…

Sleeping on concrete beds and rancid garbage piles every night – streets, sewers, dumps
Scavenging amongst human waste and excreta for rotting morsels and scraps to eat
Huffing glue and other substances in order to numb the cold, hunger, pain…and shame
Prostituting themselves for basic food and shelter
Trafficked and sold into sexual bondage, even at five years old and younger
Abused and brutalized by sexual predators, local gangs, corrupt police officers, and slum lords
Victimized by HIV/AIDS-infected men who believe that sleeping with young virgins can cure the disease
Recruited into lives of thievery, smuggling and drug dealing
Abducted to serve as child soldiers or the sex slaves of soldiers
Exploited as child laborers or slaves in sweatshops
Executed by local businessmen and officials who view them as a dirty pests interfering with trade and commerce
Sacrificed in occult/witchcraft rituals
Robbed of childhoods;
Robbed of self esteem;
Robbed of innocence;
Robbed of hope

I think the majority of us in America assume that this is “too big” or we tend to feel disconnected from it all that we assume there's nothing we can do. Margaret Mead said "Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

“I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”John 17:22-23

l-o-v-e-d

" When Christ said: ''I was hungry and you fed me,'' he didn't mean only the hunger for bread and for food; he also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus himself experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept on hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one to be accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that's real hunger." - Mother Teresa



This quote is so humbling to me from this perspective... gives me an even deeper realization to the character of the Lord and how connected He is to me, personally. "He came amongst His own and His own received Him not". Wow. Actually... that seems to be a pretty continuous thing, right? He so desperately wants to be our Deliverer, our Redeemer, or spirit of hope... ["his own"] and so often we [I] doubt. I tend to think my way is better than his soveriegn plan.

Grace and Mittens.

Well, I'm in the middle of my first week working with World Orphans and I’m already scheduled to go to a conference in Waco [the World Mandate Conference… looks amazing] and I’ll be heading to Colorado the next week. The Colorado trip means that I’ll be able to meet the staff [which is scary and exciting all in one little ball of emotion] and it’s also a time for the staff to regroup and discuss what God has in store for 2009. I’ve never been to Colorado… any pointers other than coats, gloves and mittens [oh my!]?

Those of you that know me, know that I'm an avid quote and verse collector. I have many pages of favorite quotes, lyrics and scripture, and I assure you - the majority of those will make an appearance on this blog at one time or another [actually, look up and you’ll see a portion of my favorite prayer of St. Francis].

A few weeks okay, I was reading in 2 Corinthians and these scriptures stuck out to me… especially the bold.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.
And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-10

Wow! Why should we worry about the day to day tasks of living? God has already delivered us and the amazing thing about His grace is that He will CONTINUE to deliver us. How humbling and amazing it is to realize that His grace meets us where we are, but it doesn’t leave us where it found us!

Let me sow love.

September 28, 2006 was a day that is still influencing my life. Earlier that year, the Lord began putting the country of Nigeria on my heart. As a typical senior in high school, I was consumed with my comfortable “me-me-me” mentality, and didn’t give His calling much thought. I kept reassuring myself that “I’m content in Texas… I can be a reflection of Him here, in my controlled comfort zone”. God continued, not in a subtle way, to make it clear that I’d be going on the 2006 trip, despite my feeble attempts to disregard it. I’m honestly not really sure how I showed up at that first meeting. “It’s just an informational meeting! No obligation!” the many voices said.

I had known about this particular trip for many years. A large group of people at my church would go at least once a year. I had seen all of the pictures and heard all of the stories, but still never felt connected to this particular country (or any country, for that matter). It boiled down to fear; fear of the unknown, fear that I didn’t have an earth shattering testimony to share, fear of speaking in large groups, fear of cost and ultimately the fear of giving up control.

Around the time I was dealing with these particular insecurities, I attended a regular church service in which the speaker starting speaking about control. Everything he said was a big nudge and a “told you so” from God. He concluded with this:

“God doesn’t use the most eloquent. God doesn’t use the ones with the best testimony, or the most talented… God will use the willing.”

By this time, I was squirming in my seat in anticipation. “God??! I’ve never been on a plane, and you want my first experience to be a 26 hour one to another country?!” Apparently so.

I arrived in Abuja, Nigeria on September 28, 2006. I stepped off the plane, already feeling nauseous and uncomfortable, wanting to turn around and get right back on. Thankfully, I did not. I was there with a mindset of helping orphans, changing lives, being a light in the darkness… needless to say, I came back to America not realizing how much of an effect the people of Nigeria had on me. I wanted to go and “do”, be the feet of Jesus… hug the orphans, experience what they go through, but I took much more back from it than I originally thought. I try to remind myself daily, when things aren’t working out the way I want them to, or if I’m feeling overwhelmed or out of my comfort zone… that the safest place to be is in the center of God’s will, despite our current fears and frustrations.

I think God likes to challenge us and grow us by nudging us out of our comfort zones. I’ve learned to embrace those sometimes subtle nudges and go with the flow. There seems to be no use fighting God’s will because He promises us that He is in control. The theme of 2008 was definitely control; letting God do His thing, and me follow. So when I received the call in late 2008 regarding a position with World Orphans… there wasn’t much hesitation. 2009 is already looking to be a year of growth, challenges and in the center of His will.

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” –Mother Teresa